


Just a fic

by orphan_account



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:08:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22939201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I don't really know... I just wanted to make a fic where pretty much everything is the same but Perry is more curious and also a human.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Perry the Platypus, Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Vanessa Doofenshmirtz
Comments: 2
Kudos: 80





	1. First Impressions

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first PnF fic (or any fic at all, really) so please give me criticisms if you have any, I would love to hear them!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thinker here. I really wanna work on improving my writing, so please post any criticisms you have; it will be greatly appreciated!

Perry; codename: The Platypus, parked his hovercar in front of a tall purple building. The skyscraper loomed ominously above him, yellow lettered sign betraying its purpose.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated.

He was loath to meet his nemesis properly, but OWCA rules dictated that they become acquaintanced before the actual thwarting started.

Perry had never had a real nemesis, only filling in for sick or otherwise incapacitated agents, so this was his first real chance to prove himself capable of fighting evil. He may have been the best in every class, but that didn't mean that he would necessarily fare well in do-or-die situations. Perry took a deep breath and entered the building.

The evil scientist had many file entries in the database, and Perry had scoured them all, trying to understand what made this man tick, and how best to go about thwarting him. Doofenshmirtz reportedly lived on the top two floors, 67 and 68. Most of his files revolved around two things, he was completely unpredictable, and yet very predictable.

Perry was very confused by all the mixed signals from the files, all of which had equal parts of predictability and total randomness.

Perry had to admit, he did kind of want to meet his nemesis, if only to see if the evil scientist made more sense in person.

He pushed the elevator button to go up and waited, trembling with nervous excitement.

The elevator dinged and opened its doors to reveal a goth teenager, who immediately stomped out with a scowl.

Perry was confused until he heard running on the stairs and a squeaky voice yelled down: "Vanessa dear, I'm so sorry for whatever I did! Please come back!" And then a bunch of metallic thumps later, a thin man in a labcoat tumbled down the stairs. "Vanessa!" He cried, reaching out with his hand.

Perry narrowed his eyes. The man looked familiar... was that? No way. Such an idiot wouldn't be the third most wanted evil scientist in the Danville area... Perry saw the doors closing in his peripheral vision. He didn't want to accidentally get it wrong and have to go up and down again just because he missed Doofenshmirtz.

The man scrambled up from his position on the ground and chased after the young 'Vanessa' out the door.

Perry recognized him better now that he wasn't scrunched up on the ground. Yes. THAT was his nemesis.

Perry let out a huff and ran out the door after Doofenshmirtz.

-

Heinz ran after his daughter like her life depended on it. He didn't want her to accidentally run into the street and get hit, or get mugged in an alleyway, or slip and fall and get a concussion, and even though those things were very unlikely, he just couldn't bear the thought of his little baby girl out there, alone in the world. He didn't want her to suffer from parental abandonment like he did!

Why wouldn't she let him supervise her while she hung out with friends!? Was he really that bad of a father that she didn't like him at all!? Or was he really being a 'helicopter parent' as she called him?

Heinz looked around in despair, no Vanessa in sight. _Would Charlene kill him or would he do the honors first for losing their daughter_ , he wondered hysterically, and laughed a humorless chuckle. No matter what he did, both of them hated him. His life just simply wasn't meant to include love.

He felt a pressure on his shoulder and whirled around to see a short, tan man wearing a sharp suit and fedora combo. The man had teal hair with some cyan streaks, and despite his short stature, he cut quite the figure.

"Yes?" Heinz asked, wanting to get back to searching for his daughter.

In response, the man flashed a business card. "Agent P; aka The Platypus. OWCA service agent" it read.

Heinz let out an audible gasp. "Mein gott! You're my new nemesis!" Heinz wanted to let out a whoop. Living proof that Heinz was not a complete dummkopf was standing right in front of him. A real nemesis! That meant that Heinz was finally one of the top ten villains in the area!

He grinned widely before remembering Vanessa. Or rather, her absence. "Mister Platypus, uhh this is kinda awkward but could you help me find my daughter? I've got to apologize to her for... whatever I did" He shrugged at the last part.

-

This man truly was an enigma. Only one minute of talking already tired out Perry. The first thing this allegedly evil scientist did after meeting his sworn enemy was ask for help? Really? Perry sighed. He had to help, especially because he was a legal Good Guy. He sighed again and nodded his agreement.

Doofenshmirtz grinned and started rambling about his daughter and what he might have done wrong earlier that day as they walked along the sidewalk. It turns out, practically everything the man did for his daughter either backfired, or was an example of extreme smothering.

Perry was forced to listen because he couldn't get a word, or rather, a paper with "shut up" on it into the conversation. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, in his mind, was immediately written off as a crackpot, a complete and total idiot.

Heinz spotted Vanessa at the next turn and ran for her. "Vanessa!" He yelled, relieved.

She turned around and stopped him with a glare. "Leave me ALONE, dad. I'll survive four hours until dinner. I will be back home at seven. DON'T call me, text me, or search for me."

Doofenshmirtz stepped back, face falling. "I... I, alright..." He said softly, and turned around, brushing past Perry.

A strange man, to be sure, but one who still needed thwarting. Perry quietly followed from behind and joined Doofenshmirtz on the elevator.

“What are _you_ still doing here?” Doofenshmirtz asked, with a mix of anger and resignation. Perry just pushed the button for the 67th floor in response.

“Oh! Do you think I have something evil planned? I wasn’t really going to _do_ anything today, but I guess I can show you some of my latest -inators.” Doofenshmirtz pressed the button for the 68th floor. “My lab is on the top floor, but I live on the 67th. I don’t really want to injure my daughter by accident and it’s pretty cluttered so… sorry about the mess” He added kind of sheepishly.

They stepped off the elevator and Doofenshmirtz unlocked the door to the lab, gesturing at a giant monstrosity of a machine in the center of the room. “Behold!” He said loudly, with a flourish. “The gnome-inator! It will turn everything into gnome-bots that will follow my every command and help me take over the ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA!!!” He laughed maniacally. “Oh wait”, he turned back to Perry. “I forgot to trap you and monologue. Uh… would you mind stepping onto that big red ‘x’ on the floor?” 

This man was a complete lunatic. “Please?” Doofenshmirtz begged. Perry obliged with a glare, only to be caught inside a heavy cage. Doofenshmirtz moved back to the Gnome-inator. “My hometown of Gimmelshtump is a very poor town. Back in those days, lawn gnomes were prized possessions, capable of keeping any evil spirit at bay, but those were lean times, and our lawn gnome was repurposed. My father decided that since I was useless in practically every aspect, he would make _me_ a lawn gnome. And so, for about a year, I stood for hours every night, from dusk to dawn. I wasn’t allowed to sleep, or move, just to stand and listen to the spitzenhounds howling and the goozim’s lurching moans. My only companion was the moon. Anyhow, I want to make sure everyone and everything else will understand my pain, and become lawn gnomes, forced into servitude! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!” He declared, starting to punch in a complicated code in the machine’s many buttons. 

Perry didn’t believe the completely wack fairytale for a moment, just flipped the cage over and stepped out of the bottom, which wasn’t even connected to the bars. There was a big red button on the side of the machine, labeled “SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON” 

This Doofenshmirtz guy seemed more and more idiotic by the second. Perry sprinted forward to press the button, but was thrown to the side. “How do you like _that_ ”, mister Agent Platypus”, Doofenshmirtz smirked over him. Perry angrily swiped his knees with a practiced kick and went for the button again, only to receive a surprisingly strong punch to the back of the head.

Perry REALLY hated this guy. He didn’t even say his name right! It was either ‘Agent P’ or ‘The Platypus’, but he just mixed them both into some weird nickname. Perry shot the man the angriest glare he could muster, but Doofenshmirtz just waved it off. “I just have to fight you for two more minutes until the machine powers up, then I can turn you into my mindless gnome-bot _slave_!” he cackled.

Perry launched a fist at Doofenshmirtz’s face, but he just caught it with an oddly powerful hand. “C’mon” he crooned. “I thought that this would be easier for one of OWCA’s top agents” He smiled devilishly and twisted Perry’s fist, throwing him down again. Perry just didn’t understand how the man was so STRONG. Even if he lifted heavy machinery and stuff, surely he wouldn’t be able to single-handedly defeat Perry’s practice and training? 

Perry shot up and aimed a kick at Doofenshmirtz’s groin. He had to destroy the machine before it was finished powering up. He thrust an elbow backward, hitting the button, and launched forward to avoid most of the blast. Danville would survive another day, thanks to him. Perry kicked down the door and left the lab to a resounding cry of “Curse you, Agent Platypus!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, Heinz hasn't found out Perry's name yet, but soon he will call him Perry the Platypus... very soon... MUAHAHAHAHA


	2. Arms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always thought that Heinz's robotic arms were interesting, but most people don't really look into it in-depth or even acknowledge it at all, so I will.  
> -  
> Shorter chapter because I'm a lazy person.

Perry woke up at 3 in the morning to his watch buzzing annoyingly loud in his ear. Ugh. Was Doofenshmirtz up to something? He remembered the large bags under Doofenshmirtz’s eyes. He probably stayed up late scheming every night.

Perry covertly entered his lair through a tube in the wall and opened his sleepy eyes for the debriefing. Major Monogram appeared on screen, also recently woken, wearing some sort of pineapple-print pajamas. “Agent P. We want you to go investigate Doofenshmirtz, who just started working on a machine. At 3 in the morning. Obviously, this is a sign of some sort of evil deed; so go out there and put a stop to it!” Monogram yawned and waved Perry off. 

He strapped on his jetpack and shot up into the sky. The agent flew over the downtown area, circling a tall purple building a few times before landing on the balcony. He snuck over to the wall, still outside the lab and peeked inside. He saw something strange and shivered. The hunched figure looked a bit like Doofenshmirtz, with a triangular head, but awkwardly lopsided and far too thin. The figure moved and turned on the light switch, illuminating the room and revealing itself as Doofenshmirtz. He was wearing a bathrobe over some boxers, leaning heavily to one side. One of his arms was gone, the end of the robe's sleeve tied around the stump.

The evil scientist squinted out into the night, eyes raking back and forth before landing on you. “Agent Platypus?!” He exclaimed. “What are _you_ doing here?” He asked, beckoning Perry forward with his one arm. Perry couldn’t help but be morbidly curious about the absence of the arm and quirked his eyebrows in a questioning glance. 

“Oh, this?” Doofenshmirtz yawned and patted the amputated shoulder through his purple robe. “Yeah, a boulder fell on me when I was about 12. Had to amputate it myself. Mother wouldn’t let me go to the hospital, just gave me a saw and said ‘have at it’, except of course, in German.” He said nonchalantly and shrugged. “But that’s besides the point. What are you doing here?” 

Perry was bewildered. Did this man really think being forced to saw his own arm off at 12 years old was NORMAL? Perry shrugged and started writing on a notepad he always kept with him. He heard a little ‘hm’ from Doofenshmirtz and looked up warily. The scientist just shook his head and gestured that Perry should continue writing.

Perry finished writing about how he was sent to investigate Doofenshmirtz’s work on a device and showed him the notepad. The man quickly read it and frowned at Perry. “Francis really sent you over here just ‘cause I’m working on my arms? I know he knows about them. He probably just wanted to see how readily you got up in the middle of the night to ‘thwart’ me. You probably did fine on his little ‘test’. You can go back to sleep now, I know most people sleep normal hours, unlike me.” He shooed Perry away and went back into the depths of the lab to sit at a table with a mechanical arm on it. 

Perry was still suspicious but decided that if he was better rested, then he would be more capable of thwarting a scheme tomorrow. 

It was only when Perry was almost home that he realized that the evil scientist had said “arms”. Plural.


	3. Perry the Platypus!?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry gets a new nickname

Perry was jerked out of his peaceful sleep by a loud buzzing near his ear. Ugh. He squinted his eyes in the bright sunlight and looked at his wristwatch communicator. Perry hadn’t slept much the night before after being sent to Doctor D's at 3 in the morning. 

The agent crawled out from his warm bed and washed up quickly in the bathroom before vaulting over the stairs into a secret lair entrance. He slid quickly through the tube as the trapdoor closed above him and stuck a perfect landing in his seat, ready for the debriefing.

“Hello Agent P. I know after the fiasco last night, which I’m terribly sorry about, it must be hard for you to get up early. Anywho, Doctor Doofenshmirtz is up to no good. He has bought 8 tons of platypus food, litter boxes, and litter. To be specific, not 8 tons of litter boxes or litter, but the food. Go defeat him, and good luck Agent P.

Perry leapt onto his moped and drove over to downtown. Once under the building, he grabbed his grappling hook, aimed it at the balcony on the highest floor and shot up. He swung on the rope and landed on the ledge, just to be pushed forward into a trap. 

He looked behind him to see the evil scientist grinning. “Hello Agent Platypus! Nice to see ya again. So let me tell you about my evil scheme… Basically, I was going to take human hostages to force you to help me, or at the very least, not thwart me. But then I thought: ‘Hey, his name is Platypus, so he must have some sort of emotional connection to them!’ So that’s why I got every platypus in the tri-state-area and left them here in my lab to sleep or whatever they do.” Doctor Doofenshmirtz smirked and gestured into the depths of the lab, where Perry could see a bunch of platypi… platypuses… platypeople? Mulling around. 

The scientist had gotten one thing wrong however, his name was not, in fact, ‘Platypus’. It was Perry. Perry quickly grabbed his notepad and wrote that, handing it to the scientist. “Perry the Platypus? Huh. Suits you more than ‘Agent Platypus’, anyways.” Doofenshmirtz handed the notepad back, only to receive a punch in the face. He staggered back, holding his bloody nose.

Perry climbed out of the hole and rushed at Doofenshmirtz. “Hey! Wait! I haven’t even shown you my -inator yet!” Doofenshmirtz yelled nasally, still holding his long, beak-like nose. Perry stopped and gestured for him to move on. “Behold!” he yelled. Perry beheld, looking at the giant lazer perched on a hexagonal base. “My latest -inator! The Platyp-inator! You see, Perry the Platypus, it’s a play on words, because the ‘y’ in ‘platypus’ sounds like ‘i’ in ‘inator’! Anyways, the purpose of this machine is to turn everyone in the Tri-State-Area into platypuses… platypi… platypeople… whatever, and since, you know, they don’t do much, I will be able to march right into the governor's mansion and take over! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! They literally won’t know what hit them!” 

Doofenshmirtz raised his hands to the sky, one of them clutching a remote with a large button on it. “With the press of this button, My Platyp-inator will make everyone become platypeople! My sheer evilness has no opposition! MUAHAHAHAHA!” He inched his left hand closer to his right, preparing to press the button, but Perry quickly kicked the scientist in the solar plexus with a flying sidekick. The scientist let out a wheeze and got up, preparing for a fight.

Doofenshmirtz looked up to see Perry the Platypus herding the actual platypuses away from the -inator, right before karate-chopping the self-destruct button and leaping away from the imminent explosion. “Not cool, Perry the Platypus! But hey! At least I have hosta-” Perry leaped to the railing, kicking Doof out of the way to shoot his moped with the grappling hook.

Perry retracted the gun, bringing the vehicle up and swinging it over the railing, narrowly missing the evil scientist. “Woah there, buddy!” Doofenshmirtz yelped. Perry narrowed his eyes and drove over to the pack of platypi, scooping them up and driving out the door and down the stairs. “Curse you, Perry the Platypus!” rang out behind Perry and he smiled. Time to return these platypodes to where they belonged, in pet stores and zoos. 

Perry finished giving back the last platypus and rode home into the sunset.

**Author's Note:**

> Also, this is going to be a small series of points in the human au relationship because why not amirite?


End file.
